A Tribute to my Tios

Wow....It's been so long since I've done any work on this blog, or any of my blogs for that matter. Something came up tonight that I wanted to jot down so that when I felt like I was losing focus, I could come back to this and remind myself what it's all about.

Tonight, we had our friends over for a little fellowship. All of us have gone through similar struggles in our lives with addiction and loss of faith. We have also all come to live a renewed life with Christ in our hearts. Another similarity is that for the most part, we had absentee fathers. My friends, Mario and Les are so much like myself in that neither of us had that male role model to look towards to guide us in our decision making. What each of us had was an example of what not to do and how to do it well. Mario never really knew his dad. Les' father was not really there. Mine was a distorted relationship...Les wasn't here tonight to share, but Mario brought something up that made me think.

It was brought up that we were embarking on new journeys without instructions on how to survive. Mario and his wife have been married a few years. I'm about to get married next month. What he mentioned was that growing up, He didn't see how to love. What did true love between a man and his wife look like? Not just true love, but everlasting love...What was it gonna take to make the love he has for his wife last until death? He said that he never experienced it. That got me thinking...I can easily say that I was never exposed to it myself. My father, from anything I can remember, never had shown true love to my mother. I can say that because I don't ever remember seeing it...and since I don't remember seeing it, I can say it probably wasn't there..... but.... I actually was exposed to it. I just realized it right at that moment. I never recognized it until tonight as we gathered and spoke about it.

Now, before I go on, I must say that I'm a firm believer that true love cannot exist between anyone without knowing God's love. This is my opinion and since this is my blog, I'm entitled to it.

Now back to the topic. I was and still exposed to examples of true love. I only have to look towards my aunts and uncles to see it. I have been witness to awesome marriages within my family. I have seen what a loving relationship between a man and woman are all about. I saw my uncle Joe and the love he gave his wife. He was always so kind and caring. Sometimes she speaks of him as he is still here and in her heart, as well as mine, he remains. I saw my uncle Lupe and how much he and his dearly departed were a part of each other. They were a shining example of God's love. My uncle Jesse was an example of the importance of laughter and keeping God involved in his relationship with his wife. He showed me how Faith can keep you strong despite all the struggles. Uncle Tony showed the importance of patience and prayer and total devotion to his ailing wife even, putting his own ailments to the side just to be sure that she felt his love for her. My uncle Gabe always there for his wife and always keeping a smile on his face. My uncle Felix. I laugh everytime I mention his name. His sense of humor so crazy at times, but his love for his family...his voice softens everytime he speaks of family. My uncle Manuel, although I wasn't exposed to as much...I knew his love for his late wife was genuine. One uncle has really been a big part of who I want to emulate. Uncle Dago is love defined. Although all the others mentioned are great examples, Uncle Dago was always a big part of my life. There has always been a glow about him that I never recognized or maybe I just confused it for light bouncing off his head. Lately, though, as Jenn and I prepare for the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, I recognize that glow as the love of God shining through him for me to recognize as the example of how I need to be in my marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to take all the examples I mentioned before. God put these men in my life for a reason. Each one of them radiates God's love and it's taken me this long to finally realize it. Lately, though God continues to put Uncle Dago in my life and I think here's why. If you take Uncle Joe, Uncle Jesse, Uncle Tony, Uncle Gabe, Uncle Felix, Uncle Lupe, and Uncle Manuel and put them all together and make them into one person, you come up with Uncle Dago....that's what I want....to be a blend of each one.......except I hope to keep my hair....LOL

God Bless and know that I pray for each of you...
Pray for me as well
~Phil

This is what Life is for....

After all is said and done, the ride of life has now become new and exciting. I now have fatherhood to enjoy and with God on my side, these boys will always know what love is.....

The Results of Sin

Have you ever wondered what this world would be like had Adam and Eve not taken the fatal bite? Unfortunately, it's a concept that is beyond comprehension. We can only dream of what would have been and work towards what is waiting for us. Sadly, it takes alot of screwing up before we awaken to the fact that screwing up will not grant us the ultimate paradise.
We live in a world of sin. A culture of death. We have become immune to what was once shocking. There is a corrosion of what society has conformed itself to. Our last presidential election was proof of that. We are now divided down the middle and have become a society whose only choice is to pick the lesser of two evils. Fr. John Corapi once said to vote our conscience. Mine told me not to vote.
On one side, we had a candidate who was pro-choice. On the other side, the candidate was pro-life but pro-death penalty as well. What the hell are we, as a people, supposed to do when we start voting for the lesser of evils? What happened to morals?
Morals seem like a distant memory. Morals went out the door the day Mike Brady died of AIDS !!!!
Let me just say, my recent history proves that I'm in no way a saint. I'm a mere sinner just like everyone else. And just like everyone else, I have questions. The one right now is what the results of sin are....

Pride: is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.- This is big. We are all guilty of this. Pride causes the biggest egos. Pride pits brother against brother. Pride causes conflict between borders. Pride causes racism. Pride sent three commercial aircrafts into buildings killing thousands. Pride also sent troops to fight foriegn wars. Pride keeps us from asking for forgiveness and from forgiving others. Pride ultimately keeps us from Salvation.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. - All you have to do is turn on the television to see this taking place. The Apprentice, Dr.90210, or a number of other television shows. People are never happy with what they have. We live in a world where we want more. We live for ourselves and could care less about the person next to us. We look at what the next person is wearing and put them down for it. We look at those more fortunate than us and hate them for doing well. We look at the less fortunate and hate them for not trying. Envy causes an incredible amount of hate and is the biggest contributer to violence and other crimes.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.- One of the things that make me want to puke is watching people over eat. Not slightly, but grossly over eat. Gluttony is probably the most accepted sin in America. Fast food is making a killing, literally, on this sin alone. We are the only country that calls obesity a disability. We feed our faces at buffets until we can't move anymore. We have food eating contest on ESPN. It's not only food, though. Our consumption of soft drinks is astronomical. We complain about paying $3.00 a gallon for gasoline, but yet we'll pay that same amount for a 3 litre coke that we'll finish in one day. The same with alcohol and tobacco. We pay more than $3 bucks for a pack of smokes that lasts one day. UN-FRIGGIN-BELIEVABLE!!!!!

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.- Maxim, Playboy, Hustler, FHM....all magazines feeding on the lust of men wanting what they cannot have. The internet is one of the biggest tools of the Devil for his attack on the family. Another is the topless bar. I live in a town of near 300,000 people and at one time we boasted 15 topless clubs. Dallas alone has over 30 topless bars. The "modeling studios"....I won't go into what goes on in there and as I said earlier, I'm a mere sinner. I know first hand, nothing I'm proud of. Lust is probably the biggest cause of the family break up.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.- Good ole anger. We feel it everyday. We get cut off on the freeway and we give the one finger salute. We get frustrated with the bill collecter who calls during dinner. We have a bad day at work and take it home with us. Anger leads to violence and abuse hurting the ones that we love the most including ourselves.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.- Have you ever seen "Deal or No Deal"? Howie Mandell seems to have sold his soul...and we, including myself, can't get enough of this. How do people who have $100,000 on the table not take the deal??? I can only imagine the arguments that happen on the way home for some of these people. Greed shifts the focus away from loved ones and onto one's self. Greed keeps God out of vision. Greed is very deadly, because ultimately, greed causes depression and lonliness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. Today, jobs are plentiful. The unemployment rate is at an all time low. Yet, the homeless continue to grow. Now, some homeless are victims of society, but there are those who refuse to put themselves to work. I've seen one guy whose been asking for some change to get some gas to get back home. I've known him for 15 years already. I have to wonder if his home is in Alaska? All kidding aside, sloth causes conformity. We start putting things off for later and when they start to build up, we become overwhelmed and avoid them all together. Bills don't get paid. We start losing our belongings. The once harmonious vibe becomes a chaotic riff that consumes our every thought until finally, we crack and collapse in a world of clutter and drown in our own self pity. I would think that sloth is the biggest cause of suicide.

Is there hope ? Well....I got this off the net.
Contrary, Heavenly, and Cardinal Virtues
In this world of iniquity, they are a few gleams of hope in the mire of our shameful indulgences. Various formulations of Virtue have been proposed over the ages.

The Cardinal Virtues: prudence, temperance, courage, justice
Classical Greek philosophers considered the foremost virtues to be prudence, temperance, courage, and justice. Early Christian Church theologians adopted these virtues and considered them to be equally important to all people, whether they were Christian or not.

The Theological Virtues:love, hope, faith
St. Paul defined the three chief virtues as love, which was the essential nature of God, hope, and faith. Christian Church authorities called them the three theological virtues because they believed the virtues were not natural to man in his fallen state, but were conferred at Baptism.

The Seven Contrary Virtues:humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, liberality, diligence
The Contrary Virtues were derived from the Psychomachia ("Battle for the Soul"), an epic poem written by Prudentius (c. 410). Practicing these virtues is alledged to protect one against temptation toward the Seven Deadly Sins: humility against pride, kindness against envy, abstinence against gluttony, chastity against lust, patience against anger, liberality against greed, and diligence against sloth.

The Seven Heavenly Virtues:faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice, temperance, prudence
The Heavenly Virtues combine the four Cardinal Virtues: prudence, temperance, fortitude -- or courage, and justice, with a variation of the theological virtues: faith, hope, and charity. I'm still researching the origins and popular usage of this formulation.

The Seven Corporal Works of Mercy
Continuing the numerological mysticism of Seven, the Christian Church assembled a list of seven good works that was included in medieval catechisms. They are: feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, give shelter to strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick, minister to prisoners, and bury the dead.

All I can say is God bless you, you're in my prayers...keep me in yours
~Phil

Abandonment to Grace

Taken from:"Daybreaks" Fr. John F Kavanaugh,SJ
Abandonment to Grace:
In our times of failure or discouragement we may lament, " we have accomplished nothing." If only we could have made ourselves more worthy, if only we had succeeded in our task of self- perfection.
Again, we sadly miss the point. We stumble about in the dark, bereft of the hope that we had in our projects, stripped of the plans that might have saved us, purged of the pretense that we had no need of redemption. We are unaware that, when we acknowledge the futility of our efforts, we are ate the moment of conversion. It is the very invitation to abandonment to devine grace.
True, we can resist the hope, we can hate the light, we can fear the exposure to love and to the truth on which it rests. And our resistance can come between us and the love of God revealed in Jesus Christ. We can refuse to accept the grace that is always there.
As men and women of faith, our major labor and effort is not to achieve our salvation.It is to entrust ourselves to it. "But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great lovewith which he loved us even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by Grace you have been saved.
__________________________
Do I abandon myself to devine grace?
_________________________
"But God, who is rich in mercy , out of the great love with which he loved us even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ."
I'm in total awe with this. I've been at a loss for words since I read this earlier. I remember having the feeling of being dead to the world and even worse, being dead to myself and to God. I had so much hatred and made sure to direct it to everyone without prejudice. Believing that death was the easy way out was my motivation to piss on the world. It took alot to abandon myself to devine grace, but once I did....God really does love me.
___________________________
Footprints of Grace....
So this is my life journey so far....
1968- born to my parents Joe and Alice.
1968- baptized a few months later.
1969- parents seperated for the first time
1974- made First Holy Communion
1978- Parents finally divorce
1982- Confirmed
1984- start experienting with drugs, alcohol, and sex
1985- went on mission trip to Mexico
1986- graduated from high school...fell away from church
1989- start abusing cocaine and LSD and working in topless bars.
1990 - arrested for the first time.
1995- stop using cocaine and LSD
1998- stop using marijuana
1999- start looking for a church, but give up after a month.
2004- tear my ACL, go into a major depression
2005- seriously contemplated suicide, drank away a $12,000.00 settlement
Feb. 2005- went to Real Life, a retreat that literally saved my life and brought me back to Jesus.Regained my relationship with my family.
May, 2005- stopped drinking, met my wife to be.
2006- Grandma passed away at 98 years old. Now involved in youth ministry and will be involved in prison ministry. Am inching closer to becoming a father to a baby boy.
So that's my journey so far....I still get goosebumps at the awesomeness of God's love.

While still in this world, we must wholeheartedly repent of sins committed in the body and make it possible for the Lord to save us while there is time. When we have left this world, we shall no longer be able to repent and confess our sins. We must do the will of the Father, keep our bodies pure, and observe the commandments of the Lord, for this is the way to obtain eternal life.
-- Sermon of the second century

I went to a funeral today. A friend of a few years from a time in my life that seemed so distant. It was a trip seeing people who were so much a part of my past and almost not being to relate to them anymore.
I once worked in the adult entertainment business for over fifteen years. From the time I was twenty-one until I was thirty-six, I played the part of bouncer, disc jockey, and even assistant manager at various topless bars throughout my hometown and even in North Carolina. I was friends with many porn stars. I turned myself into a drug addicted alcoholic who saw women as nothing more than disposable objects of pleasure. During my time, I became friends with David. He was also an employee at various topless bars and we crossed paths on many occassions. In this business, you find yourself working with everyone at least once.
I wouldn't say we were best friends, but when you're in the business, you become part of a "family". For fifteen years of my life, this was the only family I knew. We all took care of each other. We were like a group of kids in an orphanage. We all knew each others business, even when we were apart for long periods of time. There was a respect that cannot be descibed that all who are in this type of business share, even if they won't admit it. It is there, no matter how much you try to deny it.
On February 13, 2006, David was on his motorcycle. He was riding to work and was struck by a careless motorist, flew off his bike, and because of his size, made a devastating impact that ended his 32 year old life. He left behind a young boy and a fiancee. He had quit drinking recently and rumor was that he was considering a life change. He started to turn to Christ.
A year ago, a suicidal drug addicted alcoholic turned to Christ and made a change that kept him away from his past life until today when I went to the funeral. It was a sobering experience for the many who are still in the business to see first hand how quick life can be taken from you and hearing the message that without Christ, all that's left is death. There were at least 200 cars in the procession, ten police escorts, and very cold, very wet weather waiting for us as we gathered around the casket. Topless dancers, bartenders, bouncers, disc jockeys and even bar owners were among the mourning. The cold made it an even more sombering moment. A reminder of what waits for those who die without salvation. A reminder of what waits for them when they return back to reality in a life without Jesus. Very cold. Very lonely.
I was looked at as a total stranger among friends, former friends. It was as if I betrayed the pack by bringing Christ into my life. There was another feeling I got from some though. I felt as if some saw a new me and were curious as to what was different. Why was I at peace within myself? Why was I not trembling in the cold like the others who were around me? Maybe, it was just a passing feeling and I will probably not see any of them again until the next funeral, or maybe Christ reached at least one more person at that funeral today. Who knows but God himself....
I do know this, since I brought Christ into my life, I have Life.....
~Phil

A door closes....

You know, I'd been working for the same company for about 2 1/2 years. It wasn't the greatest place to work, but it was steady work. The hours were good. The work wasn't hard. The company is well established. Our new boss seemed to be the type we needed. Things were looking up.

I went through alot of experiences during my time there. I remember when I first started, going to work drunk and smelling like I'd bathed in a tub of beer. I avoided the office as much as possible until the smell of funk left my body. I also had a very humbling experience while working there. I slipped on an extension chain and hyper-extended my left knee, completely seperating my ACL, tearing my PCL and started a chain reaction of events that would cause a downward spiral that left me crying for help almost nine months later.

Nine months and $12,000 later, I was broke and desperate and looking for a way out. I found a way in instead. I learned alot at that company and thought that I was going to continue to grow with them. Funny how things change.

Recently, my talents were not being utilized and I went from a potential warehouse lead to a one man crew. I still have recentment and I'm really trying to forgive. I think I have, for the most part, but this may be the final stage of settling it within myself. One thing is, since I started living my life the way God wants us to live, I'm not confrontational, and maybe I was letting it show to the point that I was being taken advantage of in order to expose my boiling point. (The old me would have taken matters into my own hands and would probably be in jail.

That being said, God had other plans for me and I am now looking for new work. Things look promising and I see a new door on the horizon. If this is God's will, then it will open up for me.

It's funny how Satan keeps looking for ways to discourage me and continues to fail.

~Phil

I wrote this after my Grandmother passed away.

A Haiku for God

Do you Haiku???

God gives us gifts. For us to possess these gifts and not put them to use is a disservice. I've always known I had a gift to express myself creatively, but seldom used it. I pray that this never leaves.