finding my way home

A Tribute to my Tios

2006-10-18T20:42:00.000-07:00

Wow....It's been so long since I've done any work on this blog, or any of my blogs for that matter. Something came up tonight that I wanted to jot down so that when I felt like I was losing focus, I could come back to this and remind myself what it's all about.

Tonight, we had our friends over for a little fellowship. All of us have gone through similar struggles in our lives with addiction and loss of faith. We have also all come to live a renewed life with Christ in our hearts. Another similarity is that for the most part, we had absentee fathers. My friends, Mario and Les are so much like myself in that neither of us had that male role model to look towards to guide us in our decision making. What each of us had was an example of what not to do and how to do it well. Mario never really knew his dad. Les' father was not really there. Mine was a distorted relationship...Les wasn't here tonight to share, but Mario brought something up that made me think.

It was brought up that we were embarking on new journeys without instructions on how to survive. Mario and his wife have been married a few years. I'm about to get married next month. What he mentioned was that growing up, He didn't see how to love. What did true love between a man and his wife look like? Not just true love, but everlasting love...What was it gonna take to make the love he has for his wife last until death? He said that he never experienced it. That got me thinking...I can easily say that I was never exposed to it myself. My father, from anything I can remember, never had shown true love to my mother. I can say that because I don't ever remember seeing it...and since I don't remember seeing it, I can say it probably wasn't there..... but.... I actually was exposed to it. I just realized it right at that moment. I never recognized it until tonight as we gathered and spoke about it.

Now, before I go on, I must say that I'm a firm believer that true love cannot exist between anyone without knowing God's love. This is my opinion and since this is my blog, I'm entitled to it.

Now back to the topic. I was and still exposed to examples of true love. I only have to look towards my aunts and uncles to see it. I have been witness to awesome marriages within my family. I have seen what a loving relationship between a man and woman are all about. I saw my uncle Joe and the love he gave his wife. He was always so kind and caring. Sometimes she speaks of him as he is still here and in her heart, as well as mine, he remains. I saw my uncle Lupe and how much he and his dearly departed were a part of each other. They were a shining example of God's love. My uncle Jesse was an example of the importance of laughter and keeping God involved in his relationship with his wife. He showed me how Faith can keep you strong despite all the struggles. Uncle Tony showed the importance of patience and prayer and total devotion to his ailing wife even, putting his own ailments to the side just to be sure that she felt his love for her. My uncle Gabe always there for his wife and always keeping a smile on his face. My uncle Felix. I laugh everytime I mention his name. His sense of humor so crazy at times, but his love for his family...his voice softens everytime he speaks of family. My uncle Manuel, although I wasn't exposed to as much...I knew his love for his late wife was genuine. One uncle has really been a big part of who I want to emulate. Uncle Dago is love defined. Although all the others mentioned are great examples, Uncle Dago was always a big part of my life. There has always been a glow about him that I never recognized or maybe I just confused it for light bouncing off his head. Lately, though, as Jenn and I prepare for the sacrament of Holy Matrimony, I recognize that glow as the love of God shining through him for me to recognize as the example of how I need to be in my marriage. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to take all the examples I mentioned before. God put these men in my life for a reason. Each one of them radiates God's love and it's taken me this long to finally realize it. Lately, though God continues to put Uncle Dago in my life and I think here's why. If you take Uncle Joe, Uncle Jesse, Uncle Tony, Uncle Gabe, Uncle Felix, Uncle Lupe, and Uncle Manuel and put them all together and make them into one person, you come up with Uncle Dago....that's what I want....to be a blend of each one.......except I hope to keep my hair....LOL

God Bless and know that I pray for each of you...
Pray for me as well
~Phil

This is what Life is for....

2006-06-06T21:41:00.000-07:00

After all is said and done, the ride of life has now become new and exciting. I now have fatherhood to enjoy and with God on my side, these boys will always know what love is.....

The Results of Sin

2006-06-05T20:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered what this world would be like had Adam and Eve not taken the fatal bite? Unfortunately, it's a concept that is beyond comprehension. We can only dream of what would have been and work towards what is waiting for us. Sadly, it takes alot of screwing up before we awaken to the fact that screwing up will not grant us the ultimate paradise.
We live in a world of sin. A culture of death. We have become immune to what was once shocking. There is a corrosion of what society has conformed itself to. Our last presidential election was proof of that. We are now divided down the middle and have become a society whose only choice is to pick the lesser of two evils. Fr. John Corapi once said to vote our conscience. Mine told me not to vote.
On one side, we had a candidate who was pro-choice. On the other side, the candidate was pro-life but pro-death penalty as well. What the hell are we, as a people, supposed to do when we start voting for the lesser of evils? What happened to morals?
Morals seem like a distant memory. Morals went out the door the day Mike Brady died of AIDS !!!!
Let me just say, my recent history proves that I'm in no way a saint. I'm a mere sinner just like everyone else. And just like everyone else, I have questions. The one right now is what the results of sin are....

Pride: is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.- This is big. We are all guilty of this. Pride causes the biggest egos. Pride pits brother against brother. Pride causes conflict between borders. Pride causes racism. Pride sent three commercial aircrafts into buildings killing thousands. Pride also sent troops to fight foriegn wars. Pride keeps us from asking for forgiveness and from forgiving others. Pride ultimately keeps us from Salvation.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation. - All you have to do is turn on the television to see this taking place. The Apprentice, Dr.90210, or a number of other television shows. People are never happy with what they have. We live in a world where we want more. We live for ourselves and could care less about the person next to us. We look at what the next person is wearing and put them down for it. We look at those more fortunate than us and hate them for doing well. We look at the less fortunate and hate them for not trying. Envy causes an incredible amount of hate and is the biggest contributer to violence and other crimes.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.- One of the things that make me want to puke is watching people over eat. Not slightly, but grossly over eat. Gluttony is probably the most accepted sin in America. Fast food is making a killing, literally, on this sin alone. We are the only country that calls obesity a disability. We feed our faces at buffets until we can't move anymore. We have food eating contest on ESPN. It's not only food, though. Our consumption of soft drinks is astronomical. We complain about paying $3.00 a gallon for gasoline, but yet we'll pay that same amount for a 3 litre coke that we'll finish in one day. The same with alcohol and tobacco. We pay more than $3 bucks for a pack of smokes that lasts one day. UN-FRIGGIN-BELIEVABLE!!!!!

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.- Maxim, Playboy, Hustler, FHM....all magazines feeding on the lust of men wanting what they cannot have. The internet is one of the biggest tools of the Devil for his attack on the family. Another is the topless bar. I live in a town of near 300,000 people and at one time we boasted 15 topless clubs. Dallas alone has over 30 topless bars. The "modeling studios"....I won't go into what goes on in there and as I said earlier, I'm a mere sinner. I know first hand, nothing I'm proud of. Lust is probably the biggest cause of the family break up.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.- Good ole anger. We feel it everyday. We get cut off on the freeway and we give the one finger salute. We get frustrated with the bill collecter who calls during dinner. We have a bad day at work and take it home with us. Anger leads to violence and abuse hurting the ones that we love the most including ourselves.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.- Have you ever seen "Deal or No Deal"? Howie Mandell seems to have sold his soul...and we, including myself, can't get enough of this. How do people who have $100,000 on the table not take the deal??? I can only imagine the arguments that happen on the way home for some of these people. Greed shifts the focus away from loved ones and onto one's self. Greed keeps God out of vision. Greed is very deadly, because ultimately, greed causes depression and lonliness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work. Today, jobs are plentiful. The unemployment rate is at an all time low. Yet, the homeless continue to grow. Now, some homeless are victims of society, but there are those who refuse to put themselves to work. I've seen one guy whose been asking for some change to get some gas to get back home. I've known him for 15 years already. I have to wonder if his home is in Alaska? All kidding aside, sloth causes conformity. We start putting things off for later and when they start to build up, we become overwhelmed and avoid them all together. Bills don't get paid. We start losing our belongings. The once harmonious vibe becomes a chaotic riff that consumes our every thought until finally, we crack and collapse in a world of clutter and drown in our own self pity. I would think that sloth is the biggest cause of suicide.

Is there hope ? Well....I got this off the net.
Contrary, Heavenly, and Cardinal Virtues
In this world of iniquity, they are a few gleams of hope in the mire of our shameful indulgences. Various formulations of Virtue have been proposed over the ages.

The Cardinal Virtues: prudence, temperance, courage, justice
Classical Greek philosophers considered the foremost virtues to be prudence, temperance, courage, and justice. Early Christian Church theologians adopted these virtues and considered them to be equally important to all people, whether they were Christian or not.

The Theological Virtues:love, hope, faith
St. Paul defined the three chief virtues as love, which was the essential nature of God, hope, and faith. Christian Church authorities called them the three theological virtues because they believed the virtues were not natural to man in his fallen state, but were conferred at Baptism.

The Seven Contrary Virtues:humility, kindness, abstinence, chastity, patience, liberality, diligence
The Contrary Virtues were derived from the Psychomachia ("Battle for the Soul"), an epic poem written by Prudentius (c. 410). Practicing these virtues is alledged to protect one against temptation toward the Seven Deadly Sins: humility against pride, kindness against envy, abstinence against gluttony, chastity against lust, patience against anger, liberality against greed, and diligence against sloth.

The Seven Heavenly Virtues:faith, hope, charity, fortitude, justice, temperance, prudence
The Heavenly Virtues combine the four Cardinal Virtues: prudence, temperance, fortitude -- or courage, and justice, with a variation of the theological virtues: faith, hope, and charity. I'm still researching the origins and popular usage of this formulation.

The Seven Corporal Works of Mercy
Continuing the numerological mysticism of Seven, the Christian Church assembled a list of seven good works that was included in medieval catechisms. They are: feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, give shelter to strangers, clothe the naked, visit the sick, minister to prisoners, and bury the dead.

All I can say is God bless you, you're in my prayers...keep me in yours
~Phil

Abandonment to Grace

2006-03-17T21:35:00.000-08:00

Taken from:"Daybreaks" Fr. John F Kavanaugh,SJ
Abandonment to Grace:
In our times of failure or discouragement we may lament, " we have accomplished nothing." If only we could have made ourselves more worthy, if only we had succeeded in our task of self- perfection.
Again, we sadly miss the point. We stumble about in the dark, bereft of the hope that we had in our projects, stripped of the plans that might have saved us, purged of the pretense that we had no need of redemption. We are unaware that, when we acknowledge the futility of our efforts, we are ate the moment of conversion. It is the very invitation to abandonment to devine grace.
True, we can resist the hope, we can hate the light, we can fear the exposure to love and to the truth on which it rests. And our resistance can come between us and the love of God revealed in Jesus Christ. We can refuse to accept the grace that is always there.
As men and women of faith, our major labor and effort is not to achieve our salvation.It is to entrust ourselves to it. "But God, who is rich in mercy, out of the great lovewith which he loved us even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ- by Grace you have been saved.
__________________________
Do I abandon myself to devine grace?
_________________________
"But God, who is rich in mercy , out of the great love with which he loved us even when we were dead through our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ."
I'm in total awe with this. I've been at a loss for words since I read this earlier. I remember having the feeling of being dead to the world and even worse, being dead to myself and to God. I had so much hatred and made sure to direct it to everyone without prejudice. Believing that death was the easy way out was my motivation to piss on the world. It took alot to abandon myself to devine grace, but once I did....God really does love me.
___________________________
Footprints of Grace....
So this is my life journey so far....
1968- born to my parents Joe and Alice.
1968- baptized a few months later.
1969- parents seperated for the first time
1974- made First Holy Communion
1978- Parents finally divorce
1982- Confirmed
1984- start experienting with drugs, alcohol, and sex
1985- went on mission trip to Mexico
1986- graduated from high school...fell away from church
1989- start abusing cocaine and LSD and working in topless bars.
1990 - arrested for the first time.
1995- stop using cocaine and LSD
1998- stop using marijuana
1999- start looking for a church, but give up after a month.
2004- tear my ACL, go into a major depression
2005- seriously contemplated suicide, drank away a $12,000.00 settlement
Feb. 2005- went to Real Life, a retreat that literally saved my life and brought me back to Jesus.Regained my relationship with my family.
May, 2005- stopped drinking, met my wife to be.
2006- Grandma passed away at 98 years old. Now involved in youth ministry and will be involved in prison ministry. Am inching closer to becoming a father to a baby boy.
So that's my journey so far....I still get goosebumps at the awesomeness of God's love.

2006-02-18T21:58:00.000-08:00

While still in this world, we must wholeheartedly repent of sins committed in the body and make it possible for the Lord to save us while there is time. When we have left this world, we shall no longer be able to repent and confess our sins. We must do the will of the Father, keep our bodies pure, and observe the commandments of the Lord, for this is the way to obtain eternal life.
-- Sermon of the second century

I went to a funeral today. A friend of a few years from a time in my life that seemed so distant. It was a trip seeing people who were so much a part of my past and almost not being to relate to them anymore.
I once worked in the adult entertainment business for over fifteen years. From the time I was twenty-one until I was thirty-six, I played the part of bouncer, disc jockey, and even assistant manager at various topless bars throughout my hometown and even in North Carolina. I was friends with many porn stars. I turned myself into a drug addicted alcoholic who saw women as nothing more than disposable objects of pleasure. During my time, I became friends with David. He was also an employee at various topless bars and we crossed paths on many occassions. In this business, you find yourself working with everyone at least once.
I wouldn't say we were best friends, but when you're in the business, you become part of a "family". For fifteen years of my life, this was the only family I knew. We all took care of each other. We were like a group of kids in an orphanage. We all knew each others business, even when we were apart for long periods of time. There was a respect that cannot be descibed that all who are in this type of business share, even if they won't admit it. It is there, no matter how much you try to deny it.
On February 13, 2006, David was on his motorcycle. He was riding to work and was struck by a careless motorist, flew off his bike, and because of his size, made a devastating impact that ended his 32 year old life. He left behind a young boy and a fiancee. He had quit drinking recently and rumor was that he was considering a life change. He started to turn to Christ.
A year ago, a suicidal drug addicted alcoholic turned to Christ and made a change that kept him away from his past life until today when I went to the funeral. It was a sobering experience for the many who are still in the business to see first hand how quick life can be taken from you and hearing the message that without Christ, all that's left is death. There were at least 200 cars in the procession, ten police escorts, and very cold, very wet weather waiting for us as we gathered around the casket. Topless dancers, bartenders, bouncers, disc jockeys and even bar owners were among the mourning. The cold made it an even more sombering moment. A reminder of what waits for those who die without salvation. A reminder of what waits for them when they return back to reality in a life without Jesus. Very cold. Very lonely.
I was looked at as a total stranger among friends, former friends. It was as if I betrayed the pack by bringing Christ into my life. There was another feeling I got from some though. I felt as if some saw a new me and were curious as to what was different. Why was I at peace within myself? Why was I not trembling in the cold like the others who were around me? Maybe, it was just a passing feeling and I will probably not see any of them again until the next funeral, or maybe Christ reached at least one more person at that funeral today. Who knows but God himself....
I do know this, since I brought Christ into my life, I have Life.....
~Phil

A door closes....

2006-02-15T20:04:00.000-08:00

You know, I'd been working for the same company for about 2 1/2 years. It wasn't the greatest place to work, but it was steady work. The hours were good. The work wasn't hard. The company is well established. Our new boss seemed to be the type we needed. Things were looking up.

I went through alot of experiences during my time there. I remember when I first started, going to work drunk and smelling like I'd bathed in a tub of beer. I avoided the office as much as possible until the smell of funk left my body. I also had a very humbling experience while working there. I slipped on an extension chain and hyper-extended my left knee, completely seperating my ACL, tearing my PCL and started a chain reaction of events that would cause a downward spiral that left me crying for help almost nine months later.

Nine months and $12,000 later, I was broke and desperate and looking for a way out. I found a way in instead. I learned alot at that company and thought that I was going to continue to grow with them. Funny how things change.

Recently, my talents were not being utilized and I went from a potential warehouse lead to a one man crew. I still have recentment and I'm really trying to forgive. I think I have, for the most part, but this may be the final stage of settling it within myself. One thing is, since I started living my life the way God wants us to live, I'm not confrontational, and maybe I was letting it show to the point that I was being taken advantage of in order to expose my boiling point. (The old me would have taken matters into my own hands and would probably be in jail.

That being said, God had other plans for me and I am now looking for new work. Things look promising and I see a new door on the horizon. If this is God's will, then it will open up for me.

It's funny how Satan keeps looking for ways to discourage me and continues to fail.

~Phil

2006-01-30T21:15:00.000-08:00

I wrote this after my Grandmother passed away.

2006-01-30T21:12:00.000-08:00

A Haiku for God

Do you Haiku???

2006-01-30T21:05:00.000-08:00

God gives us gifts. For us to possess these gifts and not put them to use is a disservice. I've always known I had a gift to express myself creatively, but seldom used it. I pray that this never leaves.

Prayer

2006-01-25T21:44:00.000-08:00

"What is the use of praying if, at the very moment of prayer, we have so little confidance in God, thatwe are busy planning our own kind of answer to our prayer?"

~Thomas Merton

O.K...I know we all struggle with prayer. Well, I don't really know, but I say I know so that I can justify my struggle with prayer. My struggle? I tend to blame it on adult A.D.D. I've never been diagnosed, but ......where was I going with this?

I lack focus. As much as I really want to pray, I am so easily distracted by the smallest, most irrelevant things pop into my head at the weirdest, worst times. I've only been able to get deep into prayer a few times, and those were awesome experiences...they are , however far and few. One such moment, we were at our Monday night "Real Life" class and I went into deep prayer, tears and tongues... the whole nine yards. I was so deep into prayer until somebody went to confort me and just took me out of the moment. It was a major distraction and I wasn't able to get into that place again....I was so disappointed after that, and have not been able to get into deep prayer since then.

Other times, I'll be in church and just loose total focus. It can be very frustrating and often it makes me question my confidence. That brings me to the quote. It asks an interesting question. It also makes me wonder about my own dedication to prayer. Is my lack of focus brought on by a lack of confidence in God? I would hope not. Everywhere in the Bible, prayer is the ultimate way of communication with God. God answers all prayers.

~And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall recieve~Matt. 21:22

The key word is "believing". That gets tricky. We all want to believe with all our hearts. We place our blind Faith in knowing that God listens and answers our prayers, so long as we believe.

I'm not sure where this is going. It's been a long day and I'm tired, but I get these thoughts and try to write them all down before they leave me and sometimes they escape me before I finish. What I do know is this. My grandmother lived to be 98 years old and prayed daily. Her faith in God was always very strong. She always prayed that our family would someday reunite and become close. It took her leaving us for that prayer to finally be answered. Now she has everlasting life to watch us all interact in the most incredible way. So, yes...prayer does work, if you believe and have confidence in God.

~God Bless,

Phil

2005 an Amazing Journey

2005-12-27T18:22:00.000-08:00

If somebody asked me to use one word to describe this past year, I'd have to say......."Whaaaaa????"

There is no way that one word can even begin to describe the emotional rollercoaster ride I've endured in this one year. My life has gone from one extreme to another in such a short amount of time. I went from a suicidal alcoholic pervert that spent my every waking moment either in topless bars or porn shops or modeling studios, drinking as much as I could in as little time possible, then looking for someone to pick a fight with in hopes that he carried a gun or knife or whatever....anything to end my miserable existence....from that to a struggling Catholic, future father, non-drinking and life loving family man....
My thoughts of suicide are gone. My desire to be in God's graces are constant.
I went from hating women and just viewing them as mere objects of sexual desire to falling in deep love with somebody who understands the troubles that I've had and is there for me during my struggles of uncertainty.
The ride this year has been nothing but Awesome and although the adversities are still there, I know that through my Faith in Christ, the struggles are only stepping stones to build upon and rise to a better tomorrow and ultimately, true peace and eternal life.
My life is far from being perfect, but it's nowhere near the hell I put myself through in the past.
I look forward to seeing the gifts that Christ gives me tomorrow and the next day....to me, every new day in itself is a new gift from God.
I thank God for every lesson He put in front of me and finally allowing me to understand that even the worse experiences in my past are a tool for my future...Thank You Jesus.

God Bless....

Tribute : In Memory of Jesse T. Ayala

2005-12-14T18:26:00.000-08:00

To my dear Uncle Jesse...
I have been blessed to have had you in my life. I have always had a special place for you in my heart and today when I heard of your passing, my heart sank. You have been my hero for your strength through adversity in your life. Your bravery through your cancer, your strength despite the untimely deaths of two of your sons, and your continuous devotion to your wife have been a model for the direction I want to lead my life. Your dedication to Christianity have always been inspiring to me. It is because of that that I know you are with God in heaven, looking down on all of us and smiling. You are finally home, Uncle Jesse. I can only pray that I'll be as blessed.

Rest in Heaven
Jesse Ayala
12/14/2005

2005-12-11T11:18:00.000-08:00

It's a boy!!!!

A Few Random Thoughts

2005-11-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

The Smallest Amount of Light Can Illuminate the Darkest Room.....

I made that up a few months ago....It's a thought that continues to keep me motivated despite all the negativity to surrounds my everyday life. I try so hard to look for the little bits of light amidst all the darkness in the world....In my world.
In my immediate world, the darkness is my lack of motivation, my lack of focus, my inability to concentrate on my Faith, my loss of desire to maintain a rightous path in what started out as a journey to Salvation.
There is a darkness in my soul, so it seems, but not without a small light that continues to shine inside. That light , I have to believe, is God's beacon trying to guide me through the fog, away from the treacherous rocks that lie ahead.
I know that all this "darkness" I feel is actually God calling out to me....letting me know that even with all the doubt, He is still present in my life, waiting for Me to open my arms to Him.

"Open the eyes to my heart, Lord....I want to see you."
Funny story...(probably only to me). Everyone has one song that means something to them. One song that sets off a trigger in their life at one point. For me, this song sets me off into prayer. Close my eyes and pray type of prayer. Regardless of where I am, when that song comes on, my eyes close and I'm praying....So, I'm on my way to work one day when this song comes on the radio and I start to pray, closing my eyes of course. I'm in deep prayer, asking God for guidance...and I hear a voice...in my head...that says to me..."Phil, you are on the freeway, open your own eyes..." Maybe it's only funny to me...lol

Soooo, soon I hope to have internet at home. I miss being able to blog properly. I'll be at home with so many thoughts and when I finally get access, I forget what I was thinking about all week.... I spend a lot of time at home so it would be good to be able to blog whenever the though arrives....anyway, I'm done for now. Until next time....

~Phil

Finding my way Home

2005-10-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Steve Winwood wrote a song for Blind Faith back in the seventies, or was it the sixties?
" Come down off your throne
and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change."
Today, and recently, that's what I've been feeling deep down.....about myself....It later goes on.
" But I'm near the end and
I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and
I can't find my way home."
Seems that lately, as much as I try to get close to God, I just can't let go of my past. Seems that lately, I've been putting up my own barriers and distracting myself from prayer, church, and life all together. Seems to me that I've fallen into a funk and I feel like a mouse trying to free himself from a glue trap and as soon as somebody extends they're hand to pull me out, I just jump right back in again....This is a time when I should be rejoicing and yet, I'm still sinking in self pity and I can't seem to snap out of this infectious funk. I pray and pray and pray some more....yet, I still feel emptiness. Don't get me wrong, God has done some wonderful things in my life and I give nothing but THANKS for all that he has given me. When I found God, I was on fire. I was on an amazing journey to salvation......then it faded. It faded and I find myself sinking fast. As much as I try to fill my heart with spiritual fuel, it seems to just bypass me lately and I can't seem to get my heart into it....
Lately, I find myself easily distracted by the smallest things. Lately, I've turned into this bitter man with an itchy finger ready to point out the smallest flaws in whoever or whatever I come across....then I catch myself and wonder "What the Hell??!!!!"
I even went to my church for some healing prayer and after some time, I found myself just going through the motions so that it would be over with. I feel as if some deep evil has a strong hold on me and refuses to release it's hold as hard as I try to rebuke it.
Father, in your name, I ask that you free me from the chains that hold me in bondage. The evil that keeps me from you. Lord, you said that you would never leave my side. I know that in my struggles, you have carried me. It is because of you that I have overcome my addictions. It is from you that we are expecting the joy of a newborn in our arms. I ask you Lord, to show me true freedom from evil. To clear my thoughts and allow me to focus on what is true salvation so that I can become happy once again.....Amen.
"Lord, I'm wasted
and I can't find
my way home."

5 months and clarity

2005-10-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

Friday, May 13, 2005....
I walked into my first A.A. meeting and five months later, I'm still sober. Funny thing is, I didn't need A.A. to get me there. After a few meetings, I realized that the 12 steps are something that I've always known. They were just outlined in a way that was made much clearer for the alcoholic or addict to understand.
This isn't about Alcoholics Anonymous, though. This is about something more. Clarity. A.A. didn't provide that clarity. God, our Lord and Saviour, did. A.A. just opened my eyes a little more.
Admittedly, I only went to four meetings. That's all I needed to realize that a strong faith in God is key. Through God, I was able to overcome past addictions and with God's help, I'm gaining strength to beat others.
The power of prayer is amazing. It's because of prayer that I'm able to maintain some sort of clarity. Without focused prayer, my mind goes nuts. The thoughts that enter my head are so twisted that I could be considered insane....( it was only 8 months ago that I contemplated suicide) Then I saw the beauty of the Love of God...that love keeps me going.
So, now I have clarity....at least I'm seeing clear now....I'd like to think so....don't we all?
Clarity is a common goal that alot of people don't realize they want. We, as a society only see what's in front of us. What's in front of us is a nasty, cruel world of hate, anger, and sin. We conform in order to "survive". We don't realize that conformity is not survival, but, instead Death.
I want to share something I learned. Starting with Adam, God gave us leadership roles. Moral, Military, Economic, and Political.
Moral- Union with God...We have 10 commandments that guide us morally.
Military- Battle Satan over family...It is our duty to keep our loved ones from all evil.
Economic- Superabundant joy...We were given the fruits of the earth
Political- Harmony in society... following the first three, there would be harmony....
So what happened? In Adam's case, He ate the fruit of the knowledge of Good and Evil ultimately causing the failure of leadership...Conflict, Sorrow, Disharmony in the home, Separation from God. Mind blowing, huh? In the bible, history repeats itself...after Adam, was Abraham, then Moses, then David, and it continues to us. We are given so many opportunities to fix ourselves and we continue to drift away. We shift our focus to societies temptations and give in. We drink, do drugs, have premarital sex, cheat on spouses, beat our kids, overindulge, kill, steal, and that's just in one weekend. We see all the gloom and doom in the news and wonder why. We fail to realize the every action has a reaction even if that reaction is from an action that happened many years ago. The weather? Two words....Global Warming...we polluted the earth that God provided for us.
Maybe it's too late to save the Earth....but, it's not too late to save ourselves. We need to get back to basics. We need to get back to the leadership roles that God provided for us and use them to regulate our lives and the lives of our families. We need to live for God and not for ourselves. We need to be examples for our children. We need to get rid of the distractions focus on Salvation.
Everyone talks about having what the world has to offer...that pales in comparison to what God has promised us. Eternal Life!!!
See what happens.....
Peace
~Phil

So many thoughts, So little time.....

2005-09-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin?
I can't wait until I get internet access at home again. My days go on filled with so many ideas and thoughts, but yet, I forget them all. Possibly because I'm too lazy to write them down until I can post them on here. The thoughts are so many and if I wrote them all down, I'd have completed one of the most obscure novels that could be possibly compared to the likes of Hunter S. Thompson....lol...
Still, some of the most recent thoughts will stick with me until the day I die....So many new blessings...so many new questions, and so many new experiences....and of course, so many tragedies....the sadness of reality, and the emptiness that fills the air with feelings of abandonment by our government and,to many people, by God....a sad reality indeed.
Hurricane Katrina has changed the state of our nation forever. The most devastating force in the history of our once great country has exposed our weakness to the world. We have become a laughing stock to our enemies.....I can hear them now, "How can they take care of the Middle East when they can't even protect there own...." Bodies lie on the streets like roadkill. Most likely some will never be identified. Stories of rapes and murders over a drink of water and a place to sleep continue to haunt the thousands of victims who only wished to survive. As thousands of refugees fill the cities of Texas, one has to wonder what happens next? In my hometown, over 1,500 will seek new jobs in a city that already has a high unemployment rate. We must live on......
Another adversity? Most Definitely....You see, this could be another of God's graces...The majority of these refugees come from very poor backgrounds. These people now have a second chance to do something with their new lives. Government grants should help them get back on their feet and provide better housing from what most were used to. Sure, I can sympathise with them loosing everything, but God provides for new beginnings for those who seek them out...
Too many gave up on Faith and started acting as if it was the "END OF THE WORLD!!!"
(WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO STORE A LARGE SCREEN T.V. IN NEW ORLEANS, PEOPLE???!!!!)
But, what about our future economy and the impact from Miss Katrina? We can only continue to pray for ourselves, our families, our nation, and even for ole' G-Dubya...I mean, c'mon....a whole week?

Now, on a positive note....we are having a baby. I'm totally stoked. I can't help but think, though...is 37 too old to start fathering? "God give me the strength...." lol
I will say this, it's an awesome ride....

Peace out,
~Phil

Acceptance

2005-07-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Yup...it took me this long to accept my weakness and the Power that alcohol has over me. I mean, I already knew that my addiction was strong, but I felt that I could indeed face my addiction head on and still beat it.
When I first started, I told someone that I wasn't willing to get rid of my drinking buddies just yet. I felt that I was strong enough to still hang out with drinkers and still not want to drink. I knew that with God, I would be able to face the demons. I forgot one thing. My arrogance.
It was this arrogant attitude that God used on me to test my strength. I started to believe that I was doing this by myself and forgot to give praise to God. So He threw me a brick of reality and made the alcohol seductive. The smell of beer seemed to fill the air like flowers blooming in the breezy springtime air. As I watched everyone buy beers and mix drinks, I looked at my diet sprite with a sadness. " Why not just one beer? " I asked myself.....
That's when God put the images of my girlfriend and how I would break my promise and her heart if I took that one sip. I cannot afford to take that risk. So I sat there miserable waiting for the night to end.
When I got home, I prayed to God and asked for strength....It's been over 3 months of sobriety and after that night of prayer, I realized that I would indeed have to give up my drinking buddies. We'll see where this goes...until then, God Bless...

~Phil

The Eternal Buzz....revisited

2005-07-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a few months ago, when Pope JPII passed away, and revisited my geocities site today. I thought I'd share this....

I remember in highschool, as a pothead, that I proudly displayed a sticker on the window of my 1978 Mustang that read "In Search of the Eternal Buzz." I never really realized how significant that sticker would become in my life. Back then, the eternal buzz was finding some amazing weed and enjoying the effects for what would seem a lifetime. With all drugs, however, you spend a lifetime trying to reach that first time high. I tried LSD, cocaine, crystal methane and even started combining them in order to reach the Eternal Buzz. I was never successful. That all changed at the retreat. I recieved a buzz so intense that I found myself hooked. This is a buzz that the more you do, the higher you become. The drug is Faith. Jesus is my High. The more I take in, the Higher I become. The ride is Awesome. No previous drug can ever compare to the feeling I have. The Spiritual High that I have obtained is Amazing.... But Wait!!! There's more...On April 8,2005, at a special service for our late Pope John Paul II, I was given a gift by Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It was a gift that I longed to recieve ever since the retreat. I recieved the Gift of Tongues. All those around me were deeply moved because of the beauty in my prayer. I felt a freshness within me. A cool sensation overcame me and the sound was incredibly peaceful and loving. Some say that you don't realize it happening. I beg to differ...I was totally aware of it happening. Why would God give you this Gift and not let you enjoy it, after all? When I finished my prayer, I looked around to see happiness surrounded me. I had a grin the size of Texas that I could not wipe off. It reminded me of being high. That is when I realized that, Yes, I had finally found....THE ETERNAL BUZZ... I pray that all that read this may surrender yourselves to obtain this gift from Christ.
Well....Alot of things have happened since then, thanks to God. Tommorow, I complete two full months of sobriety, and that in itself, is an amazing task (amazingly easier than I thought it would be)...Sure, I've had my difficult times, who doesn't, but for the most part, the stepping stones are far greater than the stumbling blocks....Far more greater....The Eternal Buzz is truly eternal with Christ guiding my life....

regaining faith

2005-06-23T20:26:00.000-07:00

O.K., first of all, since my journey began, I never lost Faith....It just faded from time to time. It's hard to imagine being able to keep Faith in something that not visible. For many of my friends, having blind faith is totally absurd. I was recently asked by an Agnostic how I was able to believe in a god that allows such pain and suffering. How can I trust a god that causes destruction? I never answered him because he is already set in his beliefs or lack of. I did, however, give it thought.

Recently, a four year old boy died of an anuerism. His family are members of our parish. I found myself asking "Why?" that whole day. I don't know the family, but my heart sank and I shed a few tears because it was innocense at it's purest, lost for some unexplained reason. I felt bad hearing the news, on Father's Day, for the parents. Then I remembered this question that the Agnostic asked a while back. "How can I believe in a god that allows pain and suffering?" Surely, this little boy was a gift from God. God gave his parents this gift of a child and allowed them to cherish him for four years. So why the short time? I kept asking myself this question.

Here's a back story. Back in 1990, I was involved, not in love, but involved with an incredibly insane woman. I was not in my right mind as well, so we made a very dysfunctional couple. We were both hooked on cocaine and speed, as well as hard liquor. Sometime during our drug induced relationship, she got pregnant, and for a very brief moment in my life, I was willing to clean up my act. This child was to be a my saving grace...how selfish was I to believe that? I wanted this baby. She pretended to want it and led me to believe that she was going to clean up as well. That didn't last and she lost the baby within a couple of months due to a combination of cocaine and tequila. I hated her for it. For years upon years, even up until this past year, the mere mention of her name and I was ready to fight.

So what? Well, this was the root of all my anger and hatred and the gasoline to the fire I had in me that continued to fuel and burn intensely. A fireball of hot magma ready to spew out at anyone. My faith in God was non-existant. A few months ago, I was able to confront those feelings and made a decision to forgive and forget this woman. It was only by the Grace of God that I was able to do this.

I didn't think about this until Sunday at mass when I heard the news of this little boy who died at four years old. My heart was sad, but my Faith was strengthened. Even with the passing of this boy just days before, The parents went to mass and recieved communion. Their Faith was so strong that even after loosing their son, they still had strength. God handed them a test, a stumbling block, and they turned it into a stepping stone. Their Faith continued to stay strong. What an incredible testament to Faith this family is. What a true inspiration they have unknowingly become to me and to many others in our parish....

Then I come back to that question and my answer is, only God can provide such courage and strength to those who are Faithful....Go ask a scientist to provide that....

God Bless and Rest with God young child...
~Phil

Anticipation....

2005-06-18T22:03:00.000-07:00

Ant-tisss-a -payay-tion....
It's making me wait...

My sweety comes home tommorow....or should I say tonight.

I'm bouncing off the walls right now..lol

2005-06-17T22:49:00.000-07:00

"On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. "

Craving

2005-06-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

Friday night....
the mood is right...
To get your drink in sight....

Boy, I tell you...I was itchin for some drinkin earlier tonight.
So, I went to AA to get my head straight.

I swear, I been in a weird funk these last couple of days, but I'm thinking I'm over it now....

One thing I realize is that being sober really makes your head spin. When I was drinking, I was only thinking of doing more drinking. Now that I'm not, I tend to put my mind into warp speed and anything that comes to mind tends to stay there creating a mad collage of ideas all rolled into a messy ball stuffed in a plastic grocery bag of cluttered thoughts...and then you forget them...You keep yourself busy with other things in order to avoid slipping. Sometimes, though...the bag of cluttered thoughts starts to rip and the thoughts start to pour out...little by little until they start to surface in the form of craving...and when the craving starts, all signs lead to that need...

Example....I wanted to drink tonight. I knew that I had to avoid it, so I decided that after the meeting, I'd go home....then the signs appear....beer ads on billboards, neighborhood bars lined up and down the streets, homeboys walking with a quart of beer in a brown paper bag....all smiling and having fun....then as I get home, the first thing on T.V. is "It's Raining Beer!!!!"

Visions of me running down the street with my mouth wide open as I face the sky, tongue hanging out, carrying two pitchers as to catch as much beer as I can...the pitchers fill, and I am happy... I start screaming, "I got the beer!!!! I got the beer!!!" and then I trip and fall and land face first on the hard concrete...face all bloodied, I look at the pitchers and notice that not a drop was spilled....I take a sip, only to realize that it's only water....

dude, I'm so not here tonight....lol.

Sobriety can be a mother when you put too much thought into it...lol

one more hour and the bars close, and the temptation will be a distant memory...

helloooo

2005-06-16T20:17:00.000-07:00

So, the other day I completed 30 days of sobriety. The last few weeks have been pretty easy, mainly because I've been pre-occupied with an amazingly beautiful distraction. I definitely gotta give thanks to God for her....

Now the hard part. Tonight I'm struggling. The demons of alcohol seem to be speaking out to me because I'm feeling an emptiness. I realize that I need to remained focused, which is why I'm blogging at this moment. I'm trying to recapture my focus and maintain my inner strength.

When I met this person, I was at a turning point in life and she helps me to remain true to my commitment to seeking a righteous path. She gives me the desire to stay focused. Maybe she doesn't know this ( but, she will after reading this) the extent of impact she makes in my life. Just having her in my life has strengthened my will.

This isn't about her, though...This is about me.
"Lord, give me the strength and desire to remain true to my commitment to the choices I have chosen..."
I realize that Christ is the reason and without Christ, none of this would be possible...My sobriety, my new found Christianity, and my relationship. It's all because of Christ. Today, He presents me with a test of Faith....Another adversity. He presents me with a long weekend alone after a beautiful few weeks of being with someone I actually mesh with....
You read that right....A few weeks, but in those few weeks, I've learned how to express myself to her in ways that I've never been able to do with anyone else.

So what happens for the next few days will be up to me. A lot of prayer. Maybe a few meetings...pfft...Forget maybe...This is a definite need.

So I'm playing this song in my head in order to remind myself of Christ's Love...

Took me a while
But I'm finally here
I just wanna testify
Make it crystal clear
See I've been picked out
To be picked on
Talked about
out my friend's mouth
I've been beat down
Til he turned my life around
Seems like I always
fall short of bein worthy
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me (yeah)
I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me Loves me
I used to wake up some days
and wish I'd stayed asleep
cuz i went to bed on top of the world
today the world's on top of me
everybody's got opinions(they share)
They aint been in my position(they don't care)
that it breaks my heart
when I hear what they have to say about me yeah
seems like I always fall short
of bein worthy (Lord I aint worthy)
Cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me
I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me
cuz I aint good enough
but he still loves me
I'm not perfect(I'm not perfect)
Yes I do wrong(yes I do wrong)
I'm trying my best(trying my best but)
But it aint good enough
Shunned by the world
If I don't succeed
Cuz I aint good
But he still loves me
If you aint worthy
just raise your hands
And let me know that you understand
That we are all so blessed
To be loved, lovedStand for him
or fall for anything
Cause through his eyes
we all look the same
What would we do without blame?
Feels like we always fall short
Of bein worthy
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
I aint no superstar
The spotlight aint shinin on me
Cuz I aint good enough
But you still love me
I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best but
It aint good enough
Shunned be the word
If i dont succeed
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me
I'm not perfect
Yes I do wrong
I'm tryin my best
but It aint good enough(But the Lord's been so good to me)
Shunned be the word
If i dont succeed
Cuz I aint good enough
But he still loves me (The Lord still loves me)
No I aint good enough
But He still loves me

Even with all the struggles we are dealt, even the ones that seem insignificant to others, we have to find our inner strength and deal with it. God gives us all strength, it's up to us to decide to use it. This song tells me that God loves me regardless of my weaknesses. That love has to motivate me to continue to build strength and let my Faith grow. That Faith in God will help me get through the weak moments in life that I will continue to face from time to time. Those weak moments will gradually become just moments. With that knowledge, I know I can get past today, tomorrow, and the next without thirsting for a drink.

I'm still a work in progress, and now I realize that I have something else I need to work on. I thank God for giving me the ability to look inside myself and see the child that longs for affection.....

Geeeez, I could sure use a hug right now.

tomorrow is another day....With the sunrise, God grants us with more of His gifts.

2005-06-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

I was having fun with my scanner and came up with this...me at 6 years old...and 30 years later.

Through all the dark clouds shines a ray of light....

2005-06-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

So, I've been taking some time off from the internet in order to enjoy what Christ has presented me with. I actually took a vacation from work and was able to "chill".
Remember the adversities? Lately, they've become a distant memory. I've had no urge to drink. I've learned to forgive all that have hurt me and even forgive myself for my own self inflicted roadblocks. I've learned to put my pains behind and to live in the "Now". Right now, life is good...correction, great.

~Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly~
Proverbs 3:18

There is a person in my life that has given me this happiness and I am holding on tightly. Christ has provided me with somebody special and because of His Gift, I am able to remember how to smile. I am able to rekindle what it feels to enjoy affection.

I thank God every morning for putting her in my life. How far will it go? Only God knows. How much will it grow? With prayer, it will continue to grow.

Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her...I've had 30-plus years to embrace that wisdom....now it's time to put it to use.

Peace out....God Bless
~Phil

you made me smile today.

2005-05-28T00:21:00.000-07:00

Yes you did....
you know who you are.

The difficulty of Forgiveness and the root of my Rage

2005-05-25T21:49:00.000-07:00

How do I forgive the person
The man who traded us in
Only to adopt a ready made family.

How do I forgive the person
Who deceived and mislead
and blamed it on the another

How can he expect
unconditional, undeniable love
and total devotion when he left us
to fend for ourselves

these are the constant thoughts that run through my head everytime I speak to my father. The man who decided that living with us was less than convenient. The man who had undying love from a good wife and young children but gave his to another family. The man who's idea of spending time with us was to pick us up and make us spend time with his other family. The man who called himself a "Good" father but yet never paid a dime of child support. How can I be expected to forgive? The man who bragged that he never spanked us....What a joke, one would have to actually lived with us to qualify for that award. The man who's wise words to me were, "Never trust a woman" and "Women are nothing but reasons to have sex", who made it seem okay to bounce around from sex partner to sex partner without regret. The man who made me Hate my Mother.

How do I forget
all the times you were married
and expected me to respect them.

How can you expect
for me to act as if
everything is acceptable

How do you not notice
the damage it has done
to the four you call your own

Oh you call yourself a good father. Oh the things you taught me. Let us list. Addiction, Alcoholism, Domestic Abuse, Perversion, Sexual Deviance, Drug Dealing, Fighting...(yeah, thanks for that lesson) Disrespecting my mother, hatred, lust, anger, RAGE!!!
Lessons like, How to remove another person's blood from your clothes, how to make acquaintances with shady people, how to juggle women without getting caught then how to keep them when you were caught.

Yet, I will forgive you...
maybe I feel sorry for you.
Maybe I'm afraid for you.

I ask myself, How can I still love this man who could be a father , but not a "Dad"?
Why does my heart break everytime you suffer?
Why do I cry when you are in pain?
Why do I keep giving so much of me in order to please you?
Why do I alter my life for you?

I count the times that I have made a sacrifice for you without any return recognition. I hate the fact that you expect everything to be a perfect little picture.

I pray for you everyday so that you will finally admit your wrongs. I pray that you will finally receive Christ in your life and keep Him in your heart. I pray that you will ask for forgiveness from everyone you have ever wronged and especially from God. I pray that one day, you will ask Christ to reveal your faults and that you ask Christ to wash away those stains with His loving Grace.

I also ask God to finally rid me of this emotional stress in my life...The Root of My Rage.

I still Love You Dad....

~Phil

Here's some Irony

2005-05-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

When in recovery, you learn to walk a straight narrow line in life in order to stay sober...
When drunk, you practice walking that straight narrow line in order to stay out of jail...
After all that practice, you would think that line was easier to walk....

~Phil

POW!!!!! Taste this Reality!

2005-05-21T22:26:00.000-07:00

Ya knowww...today has got to be the weirdest day for me.
Reality can suck big time....I mean really suck. You can suck a hippo through a straw from the inside out and not fully grasp the concept of how bad reality can suck.
I'm sober 15 days...actually 24, but the first nine I was on antibiotics, so those don't count. Today, I'm in the weirdest funk. I feel that the world around me is passing me by as I hang helplessly at a busy intersection. The thing about getting sober, the rest of the world, as you knew it, continues to get drunk and you start to miss it. You start feeling alone because all you have ever known is getting your drink on. I drank steadily, every day for over 15 years. For me to all of a sudden dump all my habits and the people that came with it is a painful reality.
So I decide to go to a meeting today . I needed it and in a weird way, it did help. It made me realize that I'm getting sober for my own benefit and noone elses. You see, getting sober is a sacrifice and sacrifices can be very harsh. Part of that sacrifice is eliminating all possible causes and influences that will tempt me to drink. That includes long time party aquaintances.
Well, I leave the meeting with this stuck in my head and now I'm feeling all alone. I know a lot of people and at 9:30 p.m. on a Saturday night, they're all getting drunk, socializing, and having all kinds of fun. I'm thinking " How easy would it be to just stop and grab a beer...ooo man, a cold beer would go down so well in this Texas heat..." I stop at a convenience store to buy a Diet Dr. Pepper and realize that one door over, there's a twelve pack of cold Bud just calling my name....
By now, I'm freaking out...I drive over to the car wash to clean my truck and there it is. Reality smacking me across the face with a giant 2x4.
Have you ever felt that washing your car is just a waste of time? No matter how many times you clean it, there is a bird just waiting to dump on it. As I stood there washing the bird crap off my truck, I realize that my life is just like this truck. That realization is an ugly reality. Everytime I try to clense myself, it seems like there is always some sort of distraction just waiting to crap all over me. Today, it's my urge to drink. Recently it was questions about Catholicism and Christianity as a whole. Since February of this year, I have made a commitment to continue to clean up my life and live accordingly to the teachings of Christ. Doing this means avoiding all the things that will lead me into temptation. In doing that, I'd have to acknowlege the root of all my wrong doings. Everything I've ever done wrong was brought on by alcohol. Every fight I've been in, I was drunk. Everytime I was thrown in jail, I was drunk. Every drug I ever tried, I was drunk.Every relationship I've had, I was drunk. Every bad decision I've ever made was due to my being drunk.
I left that car wash pissed at the world and was desperate for some sort of peace. So I did the only thing that came to mind that would keep me from going to that bar and getting hammered. I pulled into a church parking lot, drove up to a statue, got out of my truck, and prayed out loud. Not real loud as to wake up the neighbors, but loud enough to hear my words. Then I got back into my truck and read the bible.
Ephesians 2:8
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-
You see, I had forgotten the most important element of my sobriety. It is only through the Grace of God that I can conquer this sickness. All I needed was to ask Him for His Grace to wash away the stains in my soul. Afterwards, I had a peace within me and a moment of clarity. I ended up at another meeting with a better understanding that it is God's will to get me to overcome my disease and He will so long as I allow Him to....
I leave you with this...

~One night, a man dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. As scenes of his life flashed before him, he noticed there were two sets of footprints in the sand. He also noticed that at his saddest, lowest times there was but one set of footprints...
He asked the Lord about it, the Lord replied, "My precious child, I love you and would never leave when you need me most. The footprints are mine, for that is when I carried you..."
~author unknown
God Bless each of you with the assurance that He is with you always.
~Phil

2005-05-19T23:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever written the most incredible entry for your blog only to accidently delete the whole thing? 1 hour and 45 minutes down the drain...Praise Jesus, there's a lesson to be learned.

2005-05-18T23:23:00.000-07:00

We are never really alone...

let the tears begin...

2005-05-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

I'm such a girl sometimes....
everytime I see this, I want to cry...lol

http://www.andiesisle.com/imagine.html

2005-05-17T18:52:00.000-07:00

Could it be.....SAAATAN?...I doubt it.

Laugh now, but I'm here to tell you...

2005-05-17T18:33:00.000-07:00

Look at my German Shepard in the pic above....
AWWWWWWWWWWW How Cute.........

That dog was working for Satan, I'm here to tell you, on Saturday morning.
Man's Best Friend my glutious maximus...pffft.

Back story...for over a month, I'd been planning a barbecue with others who attended a retreat with me back in February. Lot's of planning, lot's of reminders, lots of work.
So here it is, the BIG DAY....
The night before, it took me an hour to hook my barbecue pit to my truck and get it situated to where all I had to do was pull forward out of the driveway.
You know, my yard seemed so much easier to maneuver around two years ago when we first moved in...now, theres so much stuff in my yard that you'd think Fred Sanford had a yard sale and we bought it all.
I took inventory:
1. a stove
2. a spare tire
3. a dog house ( that serves as a storage shed)
4. an Olympic weight set that was only used once....by someone else
5. a plastic swimming pool with holes where my dog uses it as a frisbee
6. a picnic table that serves as a bird dropping catcher
7. three lawnmowers that don't work
8. a television that's used to cover up a hole in the fence
9. a barbecue pit with no bottom that was left by the previous owners ( it covers another hole)
10. 3 full bags of aluminum cans
I'd go on, but I'm feeling really ghetto now...

So I finally get situated and go to sleep ready for the next morning where I can easily take off and tow my big beautiful barbecue pit to the park and cook burgers, sausage, and chicken fajitas for all my friends to enjoy...yippeeeee

You know, before I continue, be sure to scroll down and read what I wrote about adversities and how God uses them to test our Faith....then come back...

Go on....I'll be here when you finish.

Back so soon?

O.k....the day before, I called an old friend from my party days and we went to a meeting. On the way, she told me that sometimes Satan uses our pets to do his work....
Go ahead and laugh...I laughed...it was funny. My first reaction was Huh!!!??? followed by giggles and then my best impression of "Mama" on the Waterboy....
"Bobby, puppy dawgs are the Devil!"
followed by
"Everything's the Devil, Mama!!!"

Fast forward to Saturday morning...I'm smiling and singing and Praising Jesus. The birds are singing, the butterflies are fluttering and the squirrels are on the porch playing dominos....everything is Kooool....even better than Kool...it's Kool and the Gang.

Before I go on, I feel that I need to give you Buck's story. Two years ago, my pit bull was stolen from me. I was sad, depressed and desperate. I looked everywhere for her and wound up hoping that she was at the City Pound. No luck. So I wandered the kennels and there she was. A beautiful German Sheppard 6 month old puppy on Death Row for her part in a "Dine and Dash" at a local Pet's Mart. Instantly, I fell in love and adopted her. I signed the agreement to have her immunization and fixed....( Question: How does the church feel about sterilizing our pets?)
At the vets, she was examined, poked , and prodded and an appointment to have her fixed was made...and I took her home...I named her "Lita"...all the way home, Lita was loving on me for saving her from premature death. At home we rolled around on the carpet and played. I even gave her a pink ball to play with...Then something weird happened....Lita started humping my leg? I was in shock!!! I called someone to come over quick...I thought my dog was having issues.
My friend told me to calm down and that sometimes female dogs do that.
So I started to pet her...she rolled on her back and wagged and panted and .....
OH...MY....UNCLE BOB!!!! Lita is growing lipstick....
So now we end up with Buck.....

Now, remember the adversities that God gives us? The birds singing the squirrels playing dominos...yada yada yada...I start to pull out of my driveway when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I hear..."I AM BUCK'S SENSE OF REBELLION..." I look around....I look at Buck and as sure as George Bush is president, Buck had this evil grin as if he had just ate a chocolate cake and won the lotto. I shook my head and proceeded out. Locked the gate and took off. Half a mile from my house, I look and see Buck chasing me up the street...."This dog is nuts!" I think to myself. So I pull over and he comes to my truck like a drug dealer.
"Yo, wanna buy some milk bones?"
I toss him into the passenger seat and decide to take him to the park with me... as soon as I open my door, he jumps out and runs as if Michael Jackson was chasing him...( disclaimer: Michael Jackson is still innocent until proven guilty but he's an easy visual)
I decide to make a U- turn and let him follow me home...(mind you, I'm pulling a trailer carrying a barbecue pit) We get home. I put him back in the yard. I start to take off. Look in the mirror. There he is following me again. Let me tell you, for a split second, I wanted to change the first letter in his name from B to F really bad.....
Then it hit me..."Sometimes the devil works through pets to get you to turn to Anger."
Proverbs 15:1
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.
I'm not sure who said this, but someone said "Anger makes your mouth work faster than your mind. "

Then I come back to "Adversity" and the different tests of Faith that God gives us to see how we handle each situation.

Today I think about it laugh and smile because I know that Buck wasn't trying to intentionally tick me off. He was being his loving self and just wanted to make sure I got to the park safe....

Or, he relates the barbecue pit to table scraps and wanted to get some leftovers....

God Bless
~Phil

2005-05-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Not sure where I found this...but it is really powerful.

Through the Mind's Eye....

2005-05-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

You know, until recently, I was really a wreck.......

Not too long ago, someone asked me why I was exposing myself to strangers on the internet....(not like that perverts)...exposing my feelings and emotions and thought processes and my past. Well, to tell you the truth, I have no other reason than that it's helping me understand myself...
And if somebody else gets help from reading my posts, then all the better....

Question: Ever look down the barrel of a loaded gun? I have a few times. Never gave it a second thought though...
Question: If you answered yes, was the hand holding the gun your own? Not in the physical sense...the proverbial gun for me was my anger and rage.

Heres a recent history lesson. May 19, 2004...my life is on an upswing. I was working two jobs and doing automotive detail on the side. I had just bought a new truck and was able to afford anything i wanted. I had it all...except Christ.
May 20, 2004...my life came crashing down on the slip of a friggin chain left on the floor of the warehouse causing me to completely separate my Anterior Cruciate Ligament and damage my Meniscus...also on May 20, 2004...a message on my machine from a company that was going to contract me to clean their fleet of vehicles at $65.00 a pop....
Talk about a reality check....so the extra income was lost, the second job was lost and my main job was limited to light duty and off the clock physical therapy...
I was pissed at the world...yet I still never seeked out Christ.
I opted for Budweiser instead...
there was a poem that described me to the "T"....here it is

My Name is Rage: by Jermont Cox
Hello, My Name is Rage!
I am an angry man.
They have managed to turn me into an animal!
I tried to fight them off, believe me, I tried my hardest.
There are so many unanswered questions in my mind.
Like: Who is it that I'm actually mad at?
Is it myself for getting into such an uncontrollable situation?
Or for allowing them to make me into this ball of Rage?
My body hurts so bad some days.
My heart boils and pumps lava through my inner functions.
My tears are streams of blood!
My rage is not a RAGE of violence!
Although sometimes I feel it might help toHit, kick or even curse out!
It frightens me that I'm this man of RAGE and ANGER.
I have never felt such a way in my life.
I can only pray that GOD helps me soon.
Hello, my name is RAGE.
Please help me soon.

one difference...I never prayed to God.

Fast forward to January 2005....I receive a $12,000 settlement check and blow it all in one month of beer, partying and deviance...ok, I do have this awesome computer and paid off the 3 grand i owed my mom...but other than that? PFFFFTTTT....I still didn't have Christ.

February 2005...a series of events started coming into play that started with a little flyer from a church, a phone call to someone I met on Yahoo, and the realization that maybe there might be something better for me still waiting in the wings. I signed up for the course and God took over from there....

Which brings me to today....just typing all that made me feel a little better.
What makes me stronger is that even with that struggle...my sufferings were nothing compared to what Jesus went through. I have to believe that I can build on those struggles. And I do....I build on them every day....

Proverbs 28:13 says,
People who cover over their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy...

This is why I blog...I refuse to cover my sins anymore and maybe by exposing them, I may reach someone else and help them in their struggles as well...

One last quote...
Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of Victory....
~George S. Patton

Peace Out....

btw....here's another blogger. she's a good friend from a few years. give her a read.
http://tinasblogworld.blogspot.com/

I just realized something...

2005-05-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

I have alot to learn....

more later, but give this some thought...I made it up.

~The smallest candle can illuminate the darkest room~

Adversity, The 12 steps, and God

2005-05-15T23:33:00.000-07:00

DUUUUUUUUUUUUDE!!!!!!!!!!! and dudettes ( i have to be all inclusive)
So I went to another A.A. meeting tonite. I'll come back to this.

Last week, I learned about how Adversity builds Character.
~quote "Every Christian will suffer adversity from time to time." "The most godly people sometimes seem to suffer the greatest trials and afflictions."~end quote.
o.k. i've seen that. i think about it and the first thing that comes to mind is..."WHY!!!!????"
why do we have to face these trials and afflictions? Why must we suffer through heartbreak, addiction, alcoholism, famine, violence, and terrible drivers on the freeway? Why must we get to extreme dissappointments and get to the point of desperation, thoughts of suicide, racism, and terrible drivers on the freeway? Then the answer appeared right before my eyes as if it was a gift from God...
~quote "Adversities and afflictions can be a form of discipline that God uses in our lives when we need correction." "Adversities are a part of life to help in our Christian growth. They are meant to help remove some of the impurities from our lives and to deepen our faith."
Yeah, that's deep....before I go on, one more quote....
~quote "Adversities can be stepping stones to greater character and usefulness." "But, too often, if we....now this is important...if we view them incorrectly, the trials of life will discourage and depress us." "They can make us bitter instead of better and thus become a "stumbling block" instead of a "stepping stone"
Now, that caught my attention....
Here's the deal. I've come to the conclusion that I blamed the world for my own misgivings. I blamed everyone else for my own mistakes and stupidity. I tried to use other ways of dealing with my own trials that only compounded the problems I already had...WHAT THE @#&! WAS I THINKING????!!!!
well, obviously I wasn't thinking about God.
So, that brings me to today...it's never too late to take these adversities and use them towards your advantage. First, get in your head that you need to Recieve Christ to change your life...once you have Christ as your number one priority, everything will start to fall in place? I put the question mark at the end because alot of people will struggle with that until they finally submit themselfs entirely....lets try it again...Once you have Christ as your number one priority, everything WILL start to fall in place.

That brings me to the Twelve Steps...

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. this was a difficult thing for me because I always believed that I was strong enough to control my drinking. I fooled myself into believing that I was bulletproof. I fooled myself into believing that I was suave. I even believed that I was in control of my life. In reality, I am only a mere pawn of my own sickness....and the only thing I control is my Faith in God...

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I see this now. God is my saving grace. It's only with His love that I can overcome my shortcommings.

3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. How much more to the point do you need?

Only through God can you overcome adversities...if you don't think that's true, then you're fooling yourselves.

O.K...there are 12 steps to this program, but I'm just starting and I have a lifetime to go...
18 days sober so far....Somebody Kiss Me... ;)

btw...http://closedcafeteria.blogspot.com/
this is one of the most incredible blogs I've seen....
I'd like to shake his hand and give him a giant bear hug....

Later taters, ~Phil

2005-05-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

Home bound...Not Tied down

2005-05-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

this has got to be the most amazing picture...truely beautiful

My mind is blank

2005-05-15T01:15:00.000-07:00

Ain't this a trip???
So here I am full of thoughts and I can't find the freakin words. Totally unbelievable. Maybe, it's because I feel like such an idiot because I can't figure out how to load a simple picture. Maybe it's because I'm really tired...or maybe there is no real reason. Who knows?

I think the tired thing might be the root of everything else...but, it's a good kind of tired. Let's reflect.

Last night I prayed for good weather. Today we were having a barbecue for people who attended the Real Life Retreat, the course really changed my life ( I'll explain at another time) and after spending an hour trying to drag my pit out of the yard (my brother helped), chasing down my dog, who was chasing me, then finally getting to the park only to see dark rain clouds at 10 this morning....more prayer for good weather....then realizing that I forgot my antibiotics...( is it possible to overdose on penicillin? I'm wondering because I keep wanting to take off a cap that's not on my head...)

Weather great, barbecue was awesome, people had fun....and I learned a little bit more about the Catholic Church (thanks Chuck....I really need to start following you around.) ....O.K., so 8 hours at the park and it felt like less...(you know, great company helps pass the time.)

So I thank Jesus for a successful picnic and Awesome weather....and plenty of leftovers...and to think I only started with a loaf of bread and some drumsticks.... ;)

Oh yeah, I'm trying sobriety...went to AA last night, so it was bottled water today. I still had to pee like a race horse.

About sobriety, a friend told me that in order to stop drinking, I had to stop hanging around with people who drink. I'm not sure I'm ready to tell my friends to blow off just yet. Tonight, I went to a friend's house to watch boxing and was surrounded by drinkers and smokers and midnight tokers and I wasn't tempted....well, maybe a little bit, but I stayed away from the booze and the wacky tabacky....Inner Strength? hmmm... nah, I'll call it the Grace of God.

God allows me to put myself in these situations to see how I'll react and to see how strong my faith is.

One word................ADVERSITY

I'll explain later............................................................much later.

btw, http://www.geocities.com/bigmex41/journey check it out.

2005-05-14T23:44:00.000-07:00

look...i think i figured it out.